How do I go about saying it? It weighs heavily in my chest... Somehow 'sorry' just doesn't about cover it. How do I explain it? In my blind rage I've caused hurt to those around me. In my unrighteous fury I've brought about sorrow... I ask for your forgiveness... But am I worthy of it? I'm just another boy, in a sea of faces. I'm just another soul, in this place called earth. I'm scared of deliverance... It must be the devils in me. Or is it really me? I'm determined not to say what I have to say here. I'm going to tell it to you, face to face. But do I have the courage? Lord, You are my salvation. You are my Rock. Can You dwell in a tainted vessel though?

In the end I've failed to see the hurt that I've caused. Because of my lack of control I've driven people away. My dear God stay with me...

I've failed my test.

Joel's warning of what was to come came to pass. An attack by the devil. Allowed by God. I was on the verge of going past the point of no return. But the holy, righteous Lord sent a perfect angel into my house today. We talked and I uncorked the bottle that was filling up with my troubles and thoughts. The demons have been supressed. But more than just this I got some people I want to say sorry to...

The People: It was immature of me to say what I said about all of you. I shouldn't have had let one person's impression of themselves be a standard for the rest. I wish I could take back my words but I can't. I'm sorry.

Kelvin: I'm sorry that I've not been able to perfrm to the best of my ability. I'm sorry to have let you down. I know though that you love and care for me. Forgive me for thinking of you in a negative light.

Father: I'm sorry that I've failed Your test, I'm sorry that I even thought of leaving Your house. I shouldn't have thought that way but I did. I'm so sorry. I thank You for the love that You have gave. For my sins You went up on the cross. I know that You truly care and love me.

rantings of a mad man?

TALK TO ME! SHOW ME THE LOVE! YOU AIN"T GONNA?! BE THAT WAY!

hypocritical people. my anger for mankind just grows... murderous intents... hateful thoughts. i'm doing it out of duty, not pleasure. tomorrow. the day where i'll go back to my ex-home. i'll dwell but if there ain't anything then screw it. paranoid me? perhaps i've gone over the edge. perhaps not. if i did i wouldn't be here would i? bursting... bursting... bursting... not yet, but soon... BURST! are these my feeling? are these my thoughts? people around me change for the better. i guess it's because i'm changing for the worser. breaking down in tears, is that me? hating myself, is that me? seems not. but rather it's the new me. i despise the new me. it sucks big time. deliverance? doubt it. i don't think i may even go. when one leaves SEVEN will return. 7 days to go? i may be gone by then. consumed by the very thing i tried to suppress. save me if you can. not if it's...

(27/06/08 part 2)

My latest blog entry was not too long ago.

Do people care? Only when they wanna get on your good side.
Do people love? Only when they wanna deceive.
Do people cherish? Only when it's gone.
Do people encourage. Only when they wanna seem good
Does God hear? Apparently not.

Can Jesus love me?
Christisans: Yes! He will take anyone.
Me: Never.

Should I hate him? I don't want to yet I am.
All is a lie.
"I care for you!" Yeah right...
"I love you!" You're trying to deceive me.
"You're my cherished friend!" Only when I'm gone.
"You can do it!" You trying to look good in my eyes?
"God hears you from heaven!" Liar...

I ran home today as I was suppose to reach home by 3 for a gathering. Somehow I knew only when I got home.
I gave up my 'O' level coursework for something that wasn't even going to take place. Boy am I dumb...
On the way home I heard and saw a truck tire burst.

I'm about to burst.





A drama, with the characters put into position. Props all ready. Light and sound ready. Effects ready. Let the drama unfurl.

I blame myself for letting this drama start. It's so Shakespeareian. A sad story. A murder. A story of the world. My world.

The world I have known is now lost in shadows. No more stars light up the night sky. No more sun beating down on the day. No more sound of music. No more taste of love. No more touches from heaven. All that is left is me. Standing in a voidless world. Consuming myself in this lowly pit that I have created and fallen into.

The world is full of guilty people. Full of people who have sinned and are still sinning. People try to cover up their guilt for what they have done with words.

Moral Support? Screw those 2 words.

Man are greedy creatures. Working for a cash incentive. Never working out of pure love or friendship. This world should just consume itself in the flames of our greed, anger, lust, jealousy, pride, sin, lies, deceitfulness, dishonesty, unholiness, heresy and false brotherhood.

I'm just slipping through Your fingers. Either You're not grabbing me hard enough or I'm not holding on tight enough.

If I die tonight. Let me burn.

(27/06/08)

The world. Full of people who care.

Lies! All of it, lies!

There is never permanant friends. Only permenant interest.
-Mr Paul Lim. Humanities teacher.

People saw me for what I have, not who I am. (past)
People see me for who I am, not what I have. (That's what I thought.)
People see me for what I have, not who I am. (present)

Am I only good to be milked till I'm dry. Then to be discarded?
Am I only good for what I can provide?
At least I know how God feels when people look for the blessing instead of the blesser.

I am like sheep to the slaughter. But this little sheep sees. This little sheep knows. This little sheep is gonna run. As far as I can go. Time and energy and money wasted. People have played with my goodwill. No more. After today I say "No More!"
Never again shall I waste my effort, never again shall I toil for others. Never again will this world deceive me. The world is full of people who will lie, steal, kill and destroy. They'll do anything to get what they want. People. You've succeded in deceiving me once, twice. But this is as far as you shall go!

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you.
Fool me thrice, shame on me.

If there was no one on earth. It would have prospered. It would have been a world of peace, without lies, hatred, racism and the like. I guess God never expected His children to be like that. Woe to the man who veils his evil ways with love. Woe to the man who tries to deceive me.

Believe me, it's never my wish to turn this way. But I have. Do not ever, deceive me with your honeyed words. For this little sheep has seen through it. And he will run.

I wonder if I should have started this journey at all. Was it worth it. Sure there are ups. But tis always for a moment. The journeys through the valleys are longer, darker and scarier with each passing moment. The reward? I've yet to receive it. I may never. It's heresy to speak like that, but God, this is what I see.

(26/06/08)

I scare myself... Yes myself... Hate, anger, jealousy, bitterness, insanity, sorrow, unholiness, death... It's all coming back.

"Drop dead!" one says.
"Jump off!" says the other.
"Cut off ties with Him!" says the third.
"Cut off ties with Him, jump off and drop dead." says the fourth.

I scare myself... Save me if You can. But not if it's futile.

I don't really know what to blog about. It's not really safe to show my really, really deep thoughts on a blog for all to see... (Plus it might indirectly offend some people.)

It's quite pointless to say that I'm stressed on a blog. (What's the use? As if by blogging that I'm stressed will take it away.)

It's quite boring to talk about my school day (Trust me, it's really boring.)

All I know is that I'm not feeling too well right now... God save my soul.

Can I really serve God in His kingdom, advancing His kingdom in my school, or serve in the cell group in my current state? I find it hard to will myself to do it. I wouldn't be honoring God with my service, I'd be dishonoring Him... I'm glad that some people can still serve though. Not me, It's one of those times where I feel down, defeated and without a purpose. Damn, I need to control my emotions... A great servant, terrible master. Yet it seems so easy to submit to it instead of God. God forgive me, God forbid me to ever become a slave of my emotions, and yet I seem to be becoming more and more like a slave to it. I can't seriously believe that I've been categorized. I always thought that I was unique, but I guess I'm just being sorted out into groups now. If I could be an animal, I'd really wanna be a snail right now. If I could have one wish, I'd wish everyone away except God and me. Alas that is not to be so. I'm stuck here listening to the passing of life, to the crackling, dying embers of a campfire. God, bring me up with Your righteous right hand. It sucks being down here. My Almighty God, deliver me.

I just wanna go to church now in the middle of a school week. dwell there and just stick my butt on the floor, until God comes and tells me what should I do now.

MAN of God

I've just finished reading the 3rd chapter of the book "Courage" by Edwin Louis Cole, and it has already been a great blessing to me. There's so many questions and doubs answered and clarified. But more than that it is teaching me how to be a MAN of God. Today is my day one of the beggining of my transformation. Thank you Kel for the gift, Edwin Louis Cole is someone I can look up to. Though he may not be here, God bless his soul, he will remain an inspiration for many youths who desire to be a MAN of God. Truly so much can be learnt from this book. Thank God for it.

(14/06/2008)

Not much that I wanna say today. But I'll blog still, so that when school reopens I can excuse myself from blogging. Tomorrow, service, on a sunday... feels a little weird. Only Joel, Joey, Kevin, Chin Ming and I will be there... Afterwhich I intend to fly back home... Something's not quite right, I don't know what, but something's definitely wrong... Anywho, I'll be cooking for the cell group on Monday. Dinner is set for 7 pm, but I'm gonna cook for my mum first. (She can't wait...)

Menu for the day
1) Potato Salad (Still contemplating though...)
2) Lasagna
3) Banana Bread (New variation)

Sunday... Anyone wanna stay over tomorrow night?

Dryness...

I've been feeling rather dry lately, even though we're in the midst of our 21 days of prayer... Not much can be said though, except that I really despise the fact that I couldn't have gone for the camp. I've read and heard from people about the experiences they've had. What I would give to have that experience... Nevertheless, God has been blessing me materially, but I desire more than just material blessings. I desire a touch from Him. I long to be in His presence daily. No doubt God desires that as well, but... ...

In any case I'm thinking of cooking for the cell group anytime next week, except Thursday. Lord, for what I'm about to receive, I am truly grateful. As the deer pants for water, so too does my soul thirst for You.

A psalm

Dear Jesus, I give you my heart.
I'll never ever want to be apart.
You are greatly to be praised, for wondrous are Your works.
One doesn't have to go down to hell to experience it.
One day on earth without You, my most high King, is hell.
I shall magnify Your name in all corners of the earth, Singing to You a song of praise.
I shall, in the words of king David, dance and be undignified.
For I do not dance for man, but for my King in heaven.
Lord, I give You my all.
Take all of me.
I offer myself a living sacrifice on Your altar.
Come and consume me with Your holy fire.
Oh, I praise and bless Your holy name.
That's right, I choose to bless Your holy, glorious name.
For even in the darkest valley of death and evil, You have not forsaken.
Even in the lowest depths, You have not failed.
Yes Lord, I will praise You in the most desolate place.
Yes Lord, I will offer You my worship.
Oh Lord, come and consume me.
I will sing to You a new song daily.
I will enthrone You with my praise.
For You are greatly to be praised.