Another night of terror... plus a nose bleed this morning... What a way to start the day... I'm not well, physically. I really do hope that I'll be well by tonight or tomorrow... It's FOP. If I'm sick I won't be going. If I'm well, then I'll go.

I came by this question, "Is it more blessed to love or be loved?"

I seriously don't know... Reflecting on this question, I can't say that I know how to love... So I'll have to say, it's more blessed to be loved.

At least I know my friends care. Make that friend. I only got 1 sms from her. Oh well, I'm not as likable as some I guess...

Give, take or nothing at all?/Dreams

In this season I would love to give to you... But you won't let me know what you want... You never do...



Should I then take from you? But seeing as you won't give me, I can't, won't and shan't take from you...



What then? Should I just sit back and do nothing? Neither taking nor giving...



Or should I continue? Either taking from you, or giving to you?



I dreamed of you... You scare me... You're not the person I knew. Are you changing? I suppose you are. You said so yourself. I'm on the verge of tears whenever I think about you... No more do I have sweet dreams about you... But nightmares... You lie to me always, I don't blame you... After what's happened before, I know it ain't easy to trust anyone. Including me. I don't feel like seeing you, yet I want to know you. I'm not as good a friend as you want me to be... And I don't think I'll ever be...



Perhaps I should take his advise and forget about you... ...

Nightmares...

Um... ... It's not easy Father. I'm constantly falling... Why is this so?

I'm plagued by nightmares... I don't really dare to sleep or even close my eyes...

"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit." that's what I wrote on my board. Why aren't I remembering what I wrote?

The latest nightmare I had was just last night... Really scared me. I never dream any good dreams anymore... I either have nightmares or I don't dream at all...

I've prayed for so long for God to take it away but nothing yet...

It's been what? About 1 and a half months already since it started...

YCSS revival?

It's Friday again. And guess what, no PM. Again... I can't do this on my own guys! True! Prayer is the key to revival! But a school campus church is never built on one person. Am I the only one feeling a burden for our school? It's only like 2 and a half months left. Please guys... We need to start what we've desired to start. Since school reopened only Zi Rui and I have gotten together to pray. And the presence came. What about you Lok? None of us can do this by ourselves. I need us to really make sacrifices. We can't see revival if we don't make sacrifices. Even if it means not being able to study more, or not being able to hang out with friends more or whatever. We need to make these necessary sacrifices.

The people in our school need to know Him! And we are His ambassadors! In this school where the youths are corrupted and being taught wrong moral values by their peers, we HAVE to do something. Once again, I'm just asking you guys, please feel the burden for our school. It really breaks my heart to have to write this... Cause I never thought that I'll be in this position. Especially to you guys...

I remember my vision for our school. What about you guys? Do you remember the vision given to you by Him. How the both of you saw the exact same thing, the AVT completely jam-packed with students. We can make it happen guys! But we really need to make sacrifices. For Zi Rui and I, we have only 2 and a half months left. For you Lok, you have about 14 months. But don't wait, for He says that the time is NOW! Truly the harvest is great but the labourers are few. Begin to think about what I have written. Are we ready to make sacrifices? If the answer is 'Yes', well that's very good. But if your answer is 'No'. I can then only pray that Him and I can bring about revival in our school...

Wandering? Look to Him!

People go through times of wandering in life. Just look at the Israelites of Exodus. They wandered in the wilderness for 40 years! Not because they were lost or didn't know the way, but because they're heart wasn't right with God.

When you feel like wandering, not knowing what's happening, ask yourself: Is everything right with God? In this age we live in, it is so easy to forget about God. To forget about the One who remembers you. It is so easy to place God as number 2 in our life. It is really so easy to just give up on Him who has hope in us.

Stop wandering! Get back to your first love, who is Jesus Christ. In Him, there is direction. In Him. there is purpose. In this Christian walk, trials and tribulations are a definite. For it is through many trails and tribulations that we enter the kingdom of God.

Strengthening the souls of the disciples, exhorting them to continue in the faith, and saying, "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." -Acts 14:22

Strengthen yourself! Guard your heart! In Him, we have a reason to be living. To do the will of the Father, the Almighty God. He says in Isaiah 41:10

"...I will stregthen you. Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Trust in Him! Yes, again I say, trust in Him. There is much to gain by following Him on the long, narrow path to eternal life. Remember your covenant with Him, be faithful, always, to God. Look to Him for guidance, and He will guide you out of the wilderness. Out of your wanderings.

Be strong for Him. Have faith in Him. For without faith, it is impossible to please God. Never give up on your faith, for He who promised is faithful.

While the rest are at Esplanade now (I think...), I'm at home blogging... Breaks my heart that I can't be there to enjoy the fellowship. Never mind... There'll be next time.

Time to make mayo egg sandwiches!

16/07/08

Hmm... A long day. No matter, today was rather fruitful I would say. Managed to get work done in school, though I was super tired... It was so hard to keep my eyes open, and the weather did nothing to help at all... I thank God for wisdom and peace in this "Rowdy" school of mine. Really thank God for helping me keep my peace though. Today a teacher of mine broke down and cried. I don't know why but I'm worried. I'll check on her again... In the mean time God I just wanna lift her up into Your caring hands. I'm quite bored actually... None of my cell group members to fellowship with during the week... Maybe we should all go for dinner on Friday. Ah well....

Lord I just want to commit tomrorrow into Your hands. I fight with certainty.

Fairy-tale ending? I think so too!

This blog entry is my 50th post. Another 50 more to hit my 100th. But I ain't here to talk about that. God is good, all the time! All the time God is good! How many of you can say amen to that?

A depressing story that spans 3 weeks or so. So lost and alone... The usual plot... On Friday. A change. It was the beggining of the end. The joy of the Lord came upon me, no holy laughter though... Oh well... I guess it's just not my time eh? But no matter. God has written the ending of this story of my life. Him and me are just gonna write the "The End" now.

Much loves to my heavenly Father, who never forsaked me when I needed Him the most. It was dumb of me to ever think of leaving His side. I'm more than a child of God. I'm a prince of God!

Night night Daddy!

09/07/08

Hmm... It's halfway through the week... Another 2 days of schooling before I go back to church. I'm quite happy to say that I've almost like no remedial for the rest of the week due to the upcoming Art fest held at my school. Not looking forward to it though... Less people in the school tomorrow... Going to Ngee Ann poly again tomorrow...

In this, my hour of uncertainty, show me a way. Show me which path to take.

07/07/2008

It's been what? About a week since I blogged? No matter...It's time to let go... Time to let go of my self condemnation. It's the one thing I never seem to be able to get over properly... Oh well. Attended Saturday service with pastor Mike Connell. Inspiring and captivating for some. I'm happy for them. Sunday. Cell Group meeting at Cynthia's place. A time of seeing God's miracles, signs and wonders. Many were delivered from their demons. Many felt the joy of the Lord. I'm happy and grateful that the Lord did it for them. But, why not I? I am actually totally discouraged... ...

I seem to be losing a very good friend of mine. I hope the feeling is not one sided. I pray that this is not so... It's funny, how many people consider themselves to be in my inner circle... Please... ... I don't think that I'll have many friends in my life... Maybe it's for the better. I leave it to God to decide. I just found out that deep within my subconscious mind. I'd rather die if I can't have God. The thoughts of death is rather tempting right now... Hmm... I hope it's just a phase and not an obsession.

The world is pretty bleak without God...

Alone?

I'll trash everything out now... I'm not pleased with myself. Or society for the matter... I know that we've talked but it still weighs heavily in my heart... My computer is down, so I'm actually blogging during lessons... Do I bring joy or sorrow? Seems like not anyone wants to talk to me. Its' probably God's way of saying, "Son, I want you to turn to me. Not the world." I'm sorry that I've been negligent. I'm sorry that I could not be or do what you wanted me to. No more words... Action... It's hard, and I will not budge till You come and take my hand. It's just like the beggining... Alone again... No more words. I'll stop here for now...

On a happier note I want to thank You. I thank You for a mum that cares. I thank You for a dad that loves. I can't say much about my siblings, but thank God for them too... I've been receiving e-mails from people. Thank God for you guys too.

Much loves,
Ayron.

...But a fool rages and is self confident. I guess that'll be me...