Going offline.

As of today this blog is going offline. Not going to be deleted, but won't be updated.

A new blog will be coming up soon, I promise you.

Invitations will be sent once it's up and running. :)

Prayer helps

A little bit of prayer goes a long way. It's been a hard week for me, a lot of failures and short comings. But just last night, I sealed the whole week with a prayer to God. And what a wonderful release. Somehow my burdens just disappeared. My worries vanished. Prayer helps, and it is beneficial in both the long run and the short run. I'll run this race with fervency and certainty :)

My choice (Part 2)

I've made my choice. It's hard. Something I pray that I can stick to. It ain't easy for me. but I feel that it'll be better for us. I missed out on FOP again this year. Something I don't intend to make a habit out of.

It's best for me to rest now. I don't feel like living at this moment. I need my slumber...

My choice

I have to make a choice now... It's hard but it's still gotta be made.

Thank you, Emily, for your prayers and your SMSes. They really mean alot to me.

Deadly imagination

"Officer, would you come closer?"

He turned to look at me, then he started walking towards me. Foolish man. Doesn't he know he shouldn't approach me?

"I need to tell you a secret. Only for your ears. Come closer, that I may whisper them into your ears."

He leans forward, towards the bed, so that his ear will be next to my mouth. Next thing he knows, I've slit his throat with the pen knife I had in my hand. Blood spurted out onto the bedsheets, floor and my face. Refreshing... I get off the hospital bed and start stripping him of his clothes and his effects. I always wanted to know what it's like to be an officer. Now I got my wish.

"Hi, Officer Jackson here. Yes, Mr. Thompson, could you come down to ward 67B of Princeton hospital.

"Sure! I'm on my way."

He's on his way, now all we gotta do is wait. Oh! And clean up this mess, but Marco and Jacko are taking care of it... ...


I'll leave the details of the following events out... It's amazing where my imagination takes me. To places I never dreamed of before. Showing me for what I am, subconciously. A sadist...

When will my eternal slumber come? Soon? I don't know... When it comes, I'll be free from this prison, called my mind. I'll be free from this warfare, where every battle is a losing one. Above all, there'll be peace.

I'm seating in a red velvet armchair, in front of a roaring fire, with a dog curled up at my feet... Then from behind me comes a dagger. Soon it's at my throat... We can guess the rest. I feel so peaceful at last...

Mirror Syndrome

Another year, and I'm missing out on FOP. Again... I'm still not well enough to attend. hopefully I'll be well by Sunday...

Mirror Syndrome

Mirror syndrome is a rare disorder affecting pregnant women. Its name reflects the fact that symptoms in the mother reflect symptoms in the foetus, and it presents significant risk to both.

I think I'm going through mirror syndrome... But I'm not pregnant, neither am I female...
When one is weak, so is the other...
When one dies, so too does the other...

But...

When one is strong, so is the other...
When one lives, so too does the other...

Changing, changing, we're all changing...

Another night of terror... plus a nose bleed this morning... What a way to start the day... I'm not well, physically. I really do hope that I'll be well by tonight or tomorrow... It's FOP. If I'm sick I won't be going. If I'm well, then I'll go.

I came by this question, "Is it more blessed to love or be loved?"

I seriously don't know... Reflecting on this question, I can't say that I know how to love... So I'll have to say, it's more blessed to be loved.

At least I know my friends care. Make that friend. I only got 1 sms from her. Oh well, I'm not as likable as some I guess...

Give, take or nothing at all?/Dreams

In this season I would love to give to you... But you won't let me know what you want... You never do...



Should I then take from you? But seeing as you won't give me, I can't, won't and shan't take from you...



What then? Should I just sit back and do nothing? Neither taking nor giving...



Or should I continue? Either taking from you, or giving to you?



I dreamed of you... You scare me... You're not the person I knew. Are you changing? I suppose you are. You said so yourself. I'm on the verge of tears whenever I think about you... No more do I have sweet dreams about you... But nightmares... You lie to me always, I don't blame you... After what's happened before, I know it ain't easy to trust anyone. Including me. I don't feel like seeing you, yet I want to know you. I'm not as good a friend as you want me to be... And I don't think I'll ever be...



Perhaps I should take his advise and forget about you... ...

Nightmares...

Um... ... It's not easy Father. I'm constantly falling... Why is this so?

I'm plagued by nightmares... I don't really dare to sleep or even close my eyes...

"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit." that's what I wrote on my board. Why aren't I remembering what I wrote?

The latest nightmare I had was just last night... Really scared me. I never dream any good dreams anymore... I either have nightmares or I don't dream at all...

I've prayed for so long for God to take it away but nothing yet...

It's been what? About 1 and a half months already since it started...

YCSS revival?

It's Friday again. And guess what, no PM. Again... I can't do this on my own guys! True! Prayer is the key to revival! But a school campus church is never built on one person. Am I the only one feeling a burden for our school? It's only like 2 and a half months left. Please guys... We need to start what we've desired to start. Since school reopened only Zi Rui and I have gotten together to pray. And the presence came. What about you Lok? None of us can do this by ourselves. I need us to really make sacrifices. We can't see revival if we don't make sacrifices. Even if it means not being able to study more, or not being able to hang out with friends more or whatever. We need to make these necessary sacrifices.

The people in our school need to know Him! And we are His ambassadors! In this school where the youths are corrupted and being taught wrong moral values by their peers, we HAVE to do something. Once again, I'm just asking you guys, please feel the burden for our school. It really breaks my heart to have to write this... Cause I never thought that I'll be in this position. Especially to you guys...

I remember my vision for our school. What about you guys? Do you remember the vision given to you by Him. How the both of you saw the exact same thing, the AVT completely jam-packed with students. We can make it happen guys! But we really need to make sacrifices. For Zi Rui and I, we have only 2 and a half months left. For you Lok, you have about 14 months. But don't wait, for He says that the time is NOW! Truly the harvest is great but the labourers are few. Begin to think about what I have written. Are we ready to make sacrifices? If the answer is 'Yes', well that's very good. But if your answer is 'No'. I can then only pray that Him and I can bring about revival in our school...

Wandering? Look to Him!

People go through times of wandering in life. Just look at the Israelites of Exodus. They wandered in the wilderness for 40 years! Not because they were lost or didn't know the way, but because they're heart wasn't right with God.

When you feel like wandering, not knowing what's happening, ask yourself: Is everything right with God? In this age we live in, it is so easy to forget about God. To forget about the One who remembers you. It is so easy to place God as number 2 in our life. It is really so easy to just give up on Him who has hope in us.

Stop wandering! Get back to your first love, who is Jesus Christ. In Him, there is direction. In Him. there is purpose. In this Christian walk, trials and tribulations are a definite. For it is through many trails and tribulations that we enter the kingdom of God.

Strengthening the souls of the disciples, exhorting them to continue in the faith, and saying, "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." -Acts 14:22

Strengthen yourself! Guard your heart! In Him, we have a reason to be living. To do the will of the Father, the Almighty God. He says in Isaiah 41:10

"...I will stregthen you. Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Trust in Him! Yes, again I say, trust in Him. There is much to gain by following Him on the long, narrow path to eternal life. Remember your covenant with Him, be faithful, always, to God. Look to Him for guidance, and He will guide you out of the wilderness. Out of your wanderings.

Be strong for Him. Have faith in Him. For without faith, it is impossible to please God. Never give up on your faith, for He who promised is faithful.

While the rest are at Esplanade now (I think...), I'm at home blogging... Breaks my heart that I can't be there to enjoy the fellowship. Never mind... There'll be next time.

Time to make mayo egg sandwiches!

16/07/08

Hmm... A long day. No matter, today was rather fruitful I would say. Managed to get work done in school, though I was super tired... It was so hard to keep my eyes open, and the weather did nothing to help at all... I thank God for wisdom and peace in this "Rowdy" school of mine. Really thank God for helping me keep my peace though. Today a teacher of mine broke down and cried. I don't know why but I'm worried. I'll check on her again... In the mean time God I just wanna lift her up into Your caring hands. I'm quite bored actually... None of my cell group members to fellowship with during the week... Maybe we should all go for dinner on Friday. Ah well....

Lord I just want to commit tomrorrow into Your hands. I fight with certainty.

Fairy-tale ending? I think so too!

This blog entry is my 50th post. Another 50 more to hit my 100th. But I ain't here to talk about that. God is good, all the time! All the time God is good! How many of you can say amen to that?

A depressing story that spans 3 weeks or so. So lost and alone... The usual plot... On Friday. A change. It was the beggining of the end. The joy of the Lord came upon me, no holy laughter though... Oh well... I guess it's just not my time eh? But no matter. God has written the ending of this story of my life. Him and me are just gonna write the "The End" now.

Much loves to my heavenly Father, who never forsaked me when I needed Him the most. It was dumb of me to ever think of leaving His side. I'm more than a child of God. I'm a prince of God!

Night night Daddy!

09/07/08

Hmm... It's halfway through the week... Another 2 days of schooling before I go back to church. I'm quite happy to say that I've almost like no remedial for the rest of the week due to the upcoming Art fest held at my school. Not looking forward to it though... Less people in the school tomorrow... Going to Ngee Ann poly again tomorrow...

In this, my hour of uncertainty, show me a way. Show me which path to take.

07/07/2008

It's been what? About a week since I blogged? No matter...It's time to let go... Time to let go of my self condemnation. It's the one thing I never seem to be able to get over properly... Oh well. Attended Saturday service with pastor Mike Connell. Inspiring and captivating for some. I'm happy for them. Sunday. Cell Group meeting at Cynthia's place. A time of seeing God's miracles, signs and wonders. Many were delivered from their demons. Many felt the joy of the Lord. I'm happy and grateful that the Lord did it for them. But, why not I? I am actually totally discouraged... ...

I seem to be losing a very good friend of mine. I hope the feeling is not one sided. I pray that this is not so... It's funny, how many people consider themselves to be in my inner circle... Please... ... I don't think that I'll have many friends in my life... Maybe it's for the better. I leave it to God to decide. I just found out that deep within my subconscious mind. I'd rather die if I can't have God. The thoughts of death is rather tempting right now... Hmm... I hope it's just a phase and not an obsession.

The world is pretty bleak without God...

Alone?

I'll trash everything out now... I'm not pleased with myself. Or society for the matter... I know that we've talked but it still weighs heavily in my heart... My computer is down, so I'm actually blogging during lessons... Do I bring joy or sorrow? Seems like not anyone wants to talk to me. Its' probably God's way of saying, "Son, I want you to turn to me. Not the world." I'm sorry that I've been negligent. I'm sorry that I could not be or do what you wanted me to. No more words... Action... It's hard, and I will not budge till You come and take my hand. It's just like the beggining... Alone again... No more words. I'll stop here for now...

On a happier note I want to thank You. I thank You for a mum that cares. I thank You for a dad that loves. I can't say much about my siblings, but thank God for them too... I've been receiving e-mails from people. Thank God for you guys too.

Much loves,
Ayron.

...But a fool rages and is self confident. I guess that'll be me...

How do I go about saying it? It weighs heavily in my chest... Somehow 'sorry' just doesn't about cover it. How do I explain it? In my blind rage I've caused hurt to those around me. In my unrighteous fury I've brought about sorrow... I ask for your forgiveness... But am I worthy of it? I'm just another boy, in a sea of faces. I'm just another soul, in this place called earth. I'm scared of deliverance... It must be the devils in me. Or is it really me? I'm determined not to say what I have to say here. I'm going to tell it to you, face to face. But do I have the courage? Lord, You are my salvation. You are my Rock. Can You dwell in a tainted vessel though?

In the end I've failed to see the hurt that I've caused. Because of my lack of control I've driven people away. My dear God stay with me...

I've failed my test.

Joel's warning of what was to come came to pass. An attack by the devil. Allowed by God. I was on the verge of going past the point of no return. But the holy, righteous Lord sent a perfect angel into my house today. We talked and I uncorked the bottle that was filling up with my troubles and thoughts. The demons have been supressed. But more than just this I got some people I want to say sorry to...

The People: It was immature of me to say what I said about all of you. I shouldn't have had let one person's impression of themselves be a standard for the rest. I wish I could take back my words but I can't. I'm sorry.

Kelvin: I'm sorry that I've not been able to perfrm to the best of my ability. I'm sorry to have let you down. I know though that you love and care for me. Forgive me for thinking of you in a negative light.

Father: I'm sorry that I've failed Your test, I'm sorry that I even thought of leaving Your house. I shouldn't have thought that way but I did. I'm so sorry. I thank You for the love that You have gave. For my sins You went up on the cross. I know that You truly care and love me.

rantings of a mad man?

TALK TO ME! SHOW ME THE LOVE! YOU AIN"T GONNA?! BE THAT WAY!

hypocritical people. my anger for mankind just grows... murderous intents... hateful thoughts. i'm doing it out of duty, not pleasure. tomorrow. the day where i'll go back to my ex-home. i'll dwell but if there ain't anything then screw it. paranoid me? perhaps i've gone over the edge. perhaps not. if i did i wouldn't be here would i? bursting... bursting... bursting... not yet, but soon... BURST! are these my feeling? are these my thoughts? people around me change for the better. i guess it's because i'm changing for the worser. breaking down in tears, is that me? hating myself, is that me? seems not. but rather it's the new me. i despise the new me. it sucks big time. deliverance? doubt it. i don't think i may even go. when one leaves SEVEN will return. 7 days to go? i may be gone by then. consumed by the very thing i tried to suppress. save me if you can. not if it's...

(27/06/08 part 2)

My latest blog entry was not too long ago.

Do people care? Only when they wanna get on your good side.
Do people love? Only when they wanna deceive.
Do people cherish? Only when it's gone.
Do people encourage. Only when they wanna seem good
Does God hear? Apparently not.

Can Jesus love me?
Christisans: Yes! He will take anyone.
Me: Never.

Should I hate him? I don't want to yet I am.
All is a lie.
"I care for you!" Yeah right...
"I love you!" You're trying to deceive me.
"You're my cherished friend!" Only when I'm gone.
"You can do it!" You trying to look good in my eyes?
"God hears you from heaven!" Liar...

I ran home today as I was suppose to reach home by 3 for a gathering. Somehow I knew only when I got home.
I gave up my 'O' level coursework for something that wasn't even going to take place. Boy am I dumb...
On the way home I heard and saw a truck tire burst.

I'm about to burst.





A drama, with the characters put into position. Props all ready. Light and sound ready. Effects ready. Let the drama unfurl.

I blame myself for letting this drama start. It's so Shakespeareian. A sad story. A murder. A story of the world. My world.

The world I have known is now lost in shadows. No more stars light up the night sky. No more sun beating down on the day. No more sound of music. No more taste of love. No more touches from heaven. All that is left is me. Standing in a voidless world. Consuming myself in this lowly pit that I have created and fallen into.

The world is full of guilty people. Full of people who have sinned and are still sinning. People try to cover up their guilt for what they have done with words.

Moral Support? Screw those 2 words.

Man are greedy creatures. Working for a cash incentive. Never working out of pure love or friendship. This world should just consume itself in the flames of our greed, anger, lust, jealousy, pride, sin, lies, deceitfulness, dishonesty, unholiness, heresy and false brotherhood.

I'm just slipping through Your fingers. Either You're not grabbing me hard enough or I'm not holding on tight enough.

If I die tonight. Let me burn.

(27/06/08)

The world. Full of people who care.

Lies! All of it, lies!

There is never permanant friends. Only permenant interest.
-Mr Paul Lim. Humanities teacher.

People saw me for what I have, not who I am. (past)
People see me for who I am, not what I have. (That's what I thought.)
People see me for what I have, not who I am. (present)

Am I only good to be milked till I'm dry. Then to be discarded?
Am I only good for what I can provide?
At least I know how God feels when people look for the blessing instead of the blesser.

I am like sheep to the slaughter. But this little sheep sees. This little sheep knows. This little sheep is gonna run. As far as I can go. Time and energy and money wasted. People have played with my goodwill. No more. After today I say "No More!"
Never again shall I waste my effort, never again shall I toil for others. Never again will this world deceive me. The world is full of people who will lie, steal, kill and destroy. They'll do anything to get what they want. People. You've succeded in deceiving me once, twice. But this is as far as you shall go!

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you.
Fool me thrice, shame on me.

If there was no one on earth. It would have prospered. It would have been a world of peace, without lies, hatred, racism and the like. I guess God never expected His children to be like that. Woe to the man who veils his evil ways with love. Woe to the man who tries to deceive me.

Believe me, it's never my wish to turn this way. But I have. Do not ever, deceive me with your honeyed words. For this little sheep has seen through it. And he will run.

I wonder if I should have started this journey at all. Was it worth it. Sure there are ups. But tis always for a moment. The journeys through the valleys are longer, darker and scarier with each passing moment. The reward? I've yet to receive it. I may never. It's heresy to speak like that, but God, this is what I see.

(26/06/08)

I scare myself... Yes myself... Hate, anger, jealousy, bitterness, insanity, sorrow, unholiness, death... It's all coming back.

"Drop dead!" one says.
"Jump off!" says the other.
"Cut off ties with Him!" says the third.
"Cut off ties with Him, jump off and drop dead." says the fourth.

I scare myself... Save me if You can. But not if it's futile.

I don't really know what to blog about. It's not really safe to show my really, really deep thoughts on a blog for all to see... (Plus it might indirectly offend some people.)

It's quite pointless to say that I'm stressed on a blog. (What's the use? As if by blogging that I'm stressed will take it away.)

It's quite boring to talk about my school day (Trust me, it's really boring.)

All I know is that I'm not feeling too well right now... God save my soul.

Can I really serve God in His kingdom, advancing His kingdom in my school, or serve in the cell group in my current state? I find it hard to will myself to do it. I wouldn't be honoring God with my service, I'd be dishonoring Him... I'm glad that some people can still serve though. Not me, It's one of those times where I feel down, defeated and without a purpose. Damn, I need to control my emotions... A great servant, terrible master. Yet it seems so easy to submit to it instead of God. God forgive me, God forbid me to ever become a slave of my emotions, and yet I seem to be becoming more and more like a slave to it. I can't seriously believe that I've been categorized. I always thought that I was unique, but I guess I'm just being sorted out into groups now. If I could be an animal, I'd really wanna be a snail right now. If I could have one wish, I'd wish everyone away except God and me. Alas that is not to be so. I'm stuck here listening to the passing of life, to the crackling, dying embers of a campfire. God, bring me up with Your righteous right hand. It sucks being down here. My Almighty God, deliver me.

I just wanna go to church now in the middle of a school week. dwell there and just stick my butt on the floor, until God comes and tells me what should I do now.

MAN of God

I've just finished reading the 3rd chapter of the book "Courage" by Edwin Louis Cole, and it has already been a great blessing to me. There's so many questions and doubs answered and clarified. But more than that it is teaching me how to be a MAN of God. Today is my day one of the beggining of my transformation. Thank you Kel for the gift, Edwin Louis Cole is someone I can look up to. Though he may not be here, God bless his soul, he will remain an inspiration for many youths who desire to be a MAN of God. Truly so much can be learnt from this book. Thank God for it.

(14/06/2008)

Not much that I wanna say today. But I'll blog still, so that when school reopens I can excuse myself from blogging. Tomorrow, service, on a sunday... feels a little weird. Only Joel, Joey, Kevin, Chin Ming and I will be there... Afterwhich I intend to fly back home... Something's not quite right, I don't know what, but something's definitely wrong... Anywho, I'll be cooking for the cell group on Monday. Dinner is set for 7 pm, but I'm gonna cook for my mum first. (She can't wait...)

Menu for the day
1) Potato Salad (Still contemplating though...)
2) Lasagna
3) Banana Bread (New variation)

Sunday... Anyone wanna stay over tomorrow night?

Dryness...

I've been feeling rather dry lately, even though we're in the midst of our 21 days of prayer... Not much can be said though, except that I really despise the fact that I couldn't have gone for the camp. I've read and heard from people about the experiences they've had. What I would give to have that experience... Nevertheless, God has been blessing me materially, but I desire more than just material blessings. I desire a touch from Him. I long to be in His presence daily. No doubt God desires that as well, but... ...

In any case I'm thinking of cooking for the cell group anytime next week, except Thursday. Lord, for what I'm about to receive, I am truly grateful. As the deer pants for water, so too does my soul thirst for You.

A psalm

Dear Jesus, I give you my heart.
I'll never ever want to be apart.
You are greatly to be praised, for wondrous are Your works.
One doesn't have to go down to hell to experience it.
One day on earth without You, my most high King, is hell.
I shall magnify Your name in all corners of the earth, Singing to You a song of praise.
I shall, in the words of king David, dance and be undignified.
For I do not dance for man, but for my King in heaven.
Lord, I give You my all.
Take all of me.
I offer myself a living sacrifice on Your altar.
Come and consume me with Your holy fire.
Oh, I praise and bless Your holy name.
That's right, I choose to bless Your holy, glorious name.
For even in the darkest valley of death and evil, You have not forsaken.
Even in the lowest depths, You have not failed.
Yes Lord, I will praise You in the most desolate place.
Yes Lord, I will offer You my worship.
Oh Lord, come and consume me.
I will sing to You a new song daily.
I will enthrone You with my praise.
For You are greatly to be praised.

My day

I've done quite a few things today, let's talk about it in chronological order. Cell group meeting. Verily I say unto thee, thy meeting wast beyond excellence. (Sorry bout the KJV english.) Kelvin was preaching about why God chose, blessed and used Abraham instead of Lot.

1) God used Abraham because of his devotion.
2) God used Abraham because of his attitude.
3) God used Abraham because of his love for people.

It was a very short message, afterwhich Kelvin prayed for those who want to wholly follow God. I was prayed for and was very encouraged. Thank God for that. Ooh ooh! Kelvin also quoted John 4:23-24. I'll share about what I learnt from these 2 verses.

Worshipping Him in spirit and in truth

"... But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth."
-John 4:23-24

I caught this during cell group. What does it mean to worship the Father in spirit and truth?
In the physical realm it would mean to worship Him with the spirit and with the understanding, just like Paul says in 1 Corinthians 14:15

...I will sing with the spirit, and I will also sing with the understanding.

In the spiritual though, it means to worship Him spirit to spirit, eart to heart. And with the truth of worship, which is not to sing because it's a nice song or because you like it, or because it goes well with your vocals. But rather it is to worship Him because You love Him, and you acknowledge God for who He is.

Just a little sharing...

Next, after cell group I had to 'fly' to Bukit Batok, cause that's where we celebrated my mum's birthday. We did just that by watching Indiana Jones: The kingdom of the crystal skull at West Mall. Then we drove over to Superbowl at Taman Jurong to eat Japanese. Things were relatively ok... I wish someone went through what I'm going through though. Not that I'm cursing them. In fact I wish it wouldn't happen... Hmm... Self contradiction! No marks for 'O' level humanities essay! (Note to self: Be more careful...)

Hmm... Wanna go out for lunch with 'someone' soon. (Don't worry, it ain't a girl. And because I made this statment doesn't mean I'm homo. So relax...) Of course that's only possible when I get myself financially stable. I really wouldn't be suprised if Lok has more cash than me now :'(